‘Don’t leave me!’ I said, knowing he must.
“I’ve got no intention of leaving you,’ he replied (knowing he must).
He was torn. After he left, I found journal entries which revealed how he yearned to see his Dad and his brother again. And yet, he also wanted to stay with me.
I was torn too, not wanting him to linger and suffer. I don’t think he did suffer much. He lost feeling in his legs, which had pained him for years. Once they were numb, they no longer hurt.
In the end, I released him. ‘Do what you must,’ I told him. As he lay dying, I whispered into his ear, ‘Death is the greatest healer.’
I got through the first intense years of grief, thanks to my friends, my cats, and my writing. Already it’s nine years ago, and I’ve made myself a life … not so different from the one I had with him, but not identical.
I haven’t wanted to find another love. Except for a brief, miserable time after my first divorce, I had never before lived alone. There were parents, house mates, husbands … now, finally, it was time to be with me.
I’ve learned how I like to be when there’s only me to consider. I was always fairly self-sufficient. I’ve learned to be even more self-reliant. (It includes knowing when to ask for help, and who to ask.)
He pops in to check on me from time to time. Not so much now as he did in the first few years, but if I need him, he’ll show up. The dead are only a thought away.
‘Are you happy?’asked my son some years back, on a visit. ‘You seem happy.’
I thought about it, and said, ‘I’m very content.’
Soon I’ll be 82. It makes you wonder how long you’ve got. I’m not in any great hurry, but – having worked as a psychic medium for decades – I don’t doubt we can reunite. I choose it. (A personal development teacher once told me there’s power in choosing what is so.)
I move forward, at an unhurried pace, towards reunion.
September Song was composed by Kurt Weill with lyrics by Maxwell Anderson.
Andrew died on the 3rd of September, 2012.
This was written for Weekly Scribblings #92: Forward Movement, at Poets and Storytellers United.
Sadly we all have to say goodbye to someone
ReplyDeletemuch❤love
Choice is a powerful magic. The same goes for moments of selfless understanding. You gave him what he needed when he needed it. I'm sure that, when the time comes, his spirit will do the same for you.
ReplyDeleteThe choice is to move forward or to stay stuck. Your choice to move is a good one, and I imagine there will be a joyous reunion.
ReplyDeleteA tear or two may have escaped my eyes on reading this. I look forward to someday(not for a great long while though!) catching up with a couple of folks who have gone on ahead. Both of them were in terrible pain at the end and I am happy they no longer hurt.
ReplyDeleteThat was hard, I know. I lost a mate through divorce, "breaking is hard to do" as the song goes. Been married 48 years again now. I did enjoy my three free years between the two marriages.
ReplyDeleteI am like you, my numbers are even a bit larger count than yours, we wonder how long we’ve got to last. I'll add another October 31.
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This is so beautifully written, Rosemary. So many I care for have moved on to the what-comes-after, and I plan a glorious reunion when I see them all again!
ReplyDeleteI felt a combination of emotions reading this .. sadness for your loss, joy for your ability to move forward. You are a force!!
ReplyDeleteVery sad,,,you are very strong.Must have been unimaginably difficult.
ReplyDeletei'm with helen, you are a monument of grace. very well written grace
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