This Weekend Meditation at Carpe Diem Haiku Kai is also part of the July 'Summer Love series, and the theme is
Sun Rays
a warm summer day
a meditation outdoors –
held in rays of light
We were asked for 'traditional rules' including 5-7-5 syllables. I prefer short-long-short, so I would rather this version:
warm summer day
meditation outdoors –
rays of light
(The photo is mine too.)
(The photo is mine too.)
I'm glad you've offered us your preferred version too Rosemary, because it clearly shows how something so subtle, as editing, as syllable shift, as sound (as read aloud or in the mind) can very much alter meaning, affect ambiance, evoke a different feeling, response, and reaction -
ReplyDeletethese are both interesting and for me, they each offer something a bit different, which is lovely as a treat -
I'm with Pat!
ReplyDeleteHow BEAUTIFUL, both photo and haiku. The ocean is so beautiful in summer sun - and winter storm, and fall glory....well, all the time. Smiles.
ReplyDeleteI like the photo two and both haiku. I prefer the second version too. Says all that needs to be said and beautifully!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful sky. I can't choose between favourites. I think they both shine
ReplyDeleteI love your version, Rosemary!❤️ It certainly reads better and evokes tranquility and calm. Gorgeously rendered.
ReplyDeleteSuch a difference a subtle shift makes. LOL, I've gotten frustrated too when a chosen form doesn't say quite what I wanted to say. Thank you for sharing both.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the traditional 5/7/5 version having written so many in the past. However it is good to experiment to see how it reads and feels.
ReplyDeleteLovely Rosemary... I myself readily believe that the key word here is: 'held' and readily accept why you initially used it - but equally readily accept the the second version is the cleaner, crisper and more traditional version that pays full homage to the form...
ReplyDeleteLovely photo - I could definitely mediate there in rays of light. I prefer the second one as well.
ReplyDeleteJust sitting here, breathing and looking at the photo. Perfect poem to accompany it!
ReplyDeleteA soothing meditation in golden blue glow - yes, your preferred version is the sweet spot for sure! Offers flow.
ReplyDeleteI, too, prefer the second version. It fits the feelings the poem evokes--a sense of warmth and fleetingness, the similarity between those sort of days, the quiet unmolested by articles.
ReplyDeleteBoth are good, the first one rolled off my tongue better❤️
ReplyDeleteGood point, Vivian!
DeleteLovely photo. Lovely haiku. A splendid write.
ReplyDeleteI really prefer the second one too... sometimes the 575 just makes you insert unnecessary syllables... I would love to have such a peaceful place to be
ReplyDeleteIt is indeed one of my favourite places to go, and just sit and contemplate.
Deletethis is just radiant! thanks for the glow!
ReplyDeleteI very much liked the first haiku as I read it … but yes, the delicacy of the second piece (with articles eliminated and the third line shorted) has about it, more of a transcendent quality, I think. Both of them are really lovely, though, and I enjoyed the opportunity to look at the effect of editing and see that it can, in fact, be quite impactful … even on such a short poem as a haiku.
ReplyDeleteFine work indeed. Look up translations of Basho's most famous (frogpond) haiku. There are hundreds.Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete