I Scarcely Realised
I hid my grief. Out and about
I was normal, bright, busy.
At home I was weeping
suddenly, unplanned,
unanticipated even, all over
my days and bereft nights
in abrupt, startling moments.
She was so absent! My other
beloved cats all came visiting
in spirit soon after leaving
– often – and still do. But she
felt utterly gone. Not a sign.
Just memories, I thought –
going about my life as before,
only that she who had been
so very present, wasn’t. Oh,
I could see her in my mind
everywhere she’d ever been,
little creature of habit and routine,
and that made me cry more.
Finally, I don’t know what shifted
(but I’d done some energy work
of course) anyway I just realised:
that’s how she’s visiting. She’s here!
She’s reminding me, comforting me,
doing the same as always –
gazing intently as always, with those
purposeful, speaking eyes: ever
the telepathic cat. That understanding
must have made everything possible.
I lay down today for an afternoon rest.
(She always loved when I did that.)
I didn’t sleep but relaxed, eyes closed.
Soon I felt the familiar warm weight
on my thighs, where she’d always settle.
I scarcely realised she wasn’t still alive.
For day 26 of April Poems at 'imaginary garden with real toads' we are asked to write about 'those moments of re-charging, rebooting, re-winding, re-birthing'. With perfect
synchronicity, today I experienced this moment.