This is another from the renga I did in 2014 with three other poets. We're doing revisions with the idea of finally publishing them in book form. So I am inviting suggestions, please, for how this one is working and where it might need improvement. Sharing with Writers' Pantry #15 at Poets and Storytellers United.
Off the Rails
Good girl, mostly,
Off the Rails
Good girl, mostly,
dreams herself
light and white,
fairy-like.
Shivers, though,
in the night,
when the red
rises inside ...
Or when the black
swirls around her
and she sinks
beneath its tide.
The demons,
the dragons,
the serpents
invite her.
Tensing her mind,
she locks out
their fearful
seductions.
So it goes
for the years
of her growing.
Then, explosion.
The rushing red
can't be contained,
the deadly black
won't be denied.
They froth forth
in cataclysmic
eruptions —
then subside.
Slipping and sliding
right off the rails,
she plunges
down the cliff.
Revelation:
she floats on
an ocean
of wondrous calm.
The voices
were always her own.
She opens herself
to their song.
This is a wonderful poem. My only feedback would be the title and the line it ties to. This poem has a feeling of introspection, of an individual (more specifically a woman), emotions and thoughts, and nature (again feeling like a woman). For me, the stanza before felt like a volcanic eruption, and the slipping and sliding off a cliff felt like a landslide where you're entirely swept away. "Off the rails" has the connotation of being taken in another direction whereas a landslide takes you wherever it wants... you have to go with the flow, which then ties in to the wondrous calm of the next stanza. The resolution is beautiful, that instead of trying to block out the noise you listen to the song.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Lori, for that very thoughtful comment. The title of this poem is one thing not open to alteration, as it came from the last line of the previous poem in the renga. (The same goes for my last line, which provided the title for the next person's poem.) So if I make a change based on your comment, it would have to be to the verse that echoes the title. Something to ponder!
DeleteI'm sitting here with a smile on my face because I've just realized from reading your comments that I have picked the one line in this poem where the words weren't yours. And now I'm thinking that's why they called my attention. (It's hard to describe but it's like seeing a poem in yellow and that line is pink, so it stood out in my mind's eye.)
DeleteInteresting point, Lori! And something to watch when doing a renga, I guess – how to make the previous person's words become truly one's own, in one's own poem? Altogether, very useful feedback, thank you.
DeleteThis is absolutely stunning in its portrayal of the various sides to human psyche, Rosemary!👏💝 I love; "Revelation: she floats on an ocean of wondrous calm."
ReplyDeleteA superb poem I got taken into a journey of how it is to be human. Loved every line No need for change
ReplyDeleteOh flows seamlessly... doesn't feel like a collaboration at all!! Can't wait to read the book!
ReplyDeleteNot a collaboration in the particular poem. See my reply to dsnake1 below.
DeleteWhat a great read this is Rosemary.
ReplyDeleteThere's only so long we can suppress things in our psyches. A healthy bit of release here and there is always the healthiest option, but when things get bad enough they will blow up. Hopefully the damage from that isn't so bad and at least then we can start rebuilding with truth as a foundation.
ReplyDeleteLet it go and flow!
ReplyDeleteA fantastic description of discovery.
ReplyDeleteA portrayal of inner demons and our interactions within. Our struggles with and ultimate submission to these of ourselves. This is well done. I like how you followed a path and went in a different direction at the end. (those are my favorites)
ReplyDeleteThe poem reads wonderfully. I can see this girl, watch life happening to her. And I just love where life and living take her.
ReplyDeleteInteresting ...as usual.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes getting off the rails to return to the journey and knowledge of self.
ReplyDeleteThis inner journey to self realization flows naturally. The calm of accepting self is beautifully rendered. I wouldn't change a line
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter
Much🌼love
it is really hard to see that this is a collaboration work of four poets. If i really look hard enough, maybe i can sense three styles. the poets are really all in sync with the poem. I think that it is already a very good example of a collaborative poem.
ReplyDeleteby the way, is it only the first writer is allowed to use the words in the title, and only once, in this type of work? Of course there are variants (e.g. specific number of lines, use of a line in the previous stanza) which will make this type of work more interesting. :)
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for examining it so carefully, but I seem to have misled you by not going into enough detail. This is all my own work. In this renga, we each took turns to write , a week apart (in the same sequence, so I was always on the 4th week of the month). The only rule was that the last line of the previous person's poem should form the title or first line of one's own.
Deletethank you, i get it now. no wonder i see that the styles of each stanza are quite similar. I must have confused it to a chain poem (some with rules), where different writers take turns to write a stanza. In this type of work, the styles of different writers can be more easily discerned. We did it once in a poetry forum and it was a hilarious chaos. :)
DeleteOh, thats sounds like fun!
Delete