The Point is the Light
We walk from the temple
after the feast,
down the hill to the car.
Navigating uneven ground,
I catch a glint between stones:
black sheen,
and a blue-green inky sliver.
A peacock's chest feather?
The splinter of colour
along its spine
flashes iridescent
against the surrounding dark.
I turn it this way and that
between finger and thumb —
such a tiny thing —
watching the brightness
move and spread.
My friend finds another one,
rainbow stripes fanning
wide across the tip.
"They're both yours," she insists.
(Earlier, over dinner,
she helped fend off
that oaf who tried to hit on me.)
Again, I am asking please for critical feedback on this one. Because it too is from that renga I was part of in 2014, the only items not subject to alteration are the title and last line. (Which, in this instance, pretty much means the whole last verse has to stay.) Apart rom that stipulation – is there anything not working for you, or open to improvement?
Shared via Writers' Pantry #16 at Poets and Storytellers United.
I find it hard to be critical regarding poetry as I'm a storyteller, not a poet. I only know if I like something or not. This is in the 'like' category.
ReplyDeleteThank you; that's good enough!
DeleteI enjoyed the anecdotal voice in this poem, Rosemary, the setting of the scene and the use of colour. I also like the progression and circularity, signalled by the number of lines in each stanza.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kim, for detailing what works.
DeleteFeeling the hurt that you felt from the encounter she clearly saw the need to give you something beautiful to make you feel better about it. This is what friends are for.
ReplyDeleteShe is indeed a very good friend.
DeleteThe fourth stanza reads like a poem all on its own. I love that it took me back (and forward, too) to all those moments when a bit of light (and a friend) means everything.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it did that for you.
DeleteI like that it makes me think of small magics and moments of serendipity and balances it with the bigger magic of having a good friend in your corner.
ReplyDeleteExactly right!
DeleteIt is a beautiful journey to a glint of hope. I find the whole poem hopeful and lovely Rosemary. I can find nothing to critique. 🌹
ReplyDeleteThat's lovely news, thank you.
DeleteI like how the light is evidenced through shimmering colour and the virtues of a friend.
ReplyDeleteA lovely comment, thank you Heather.
DeleteIt seems nature leaves us little notes of hope, of life, to balance the human insults we must navigate any given day.
ReplyDeleteYes, it did have just that feeling, of something not accidental.
DeleteLuv the way friendship is resonated between the last 2 verses of your renga
ReplyDeleteHappy Sunday
Much💛love
I like how you describe the colors and texture of the feather, rolling it with your fingers. A well described scene (including the oaf).
ReplyDeleteGlad you liked it!
DeleteAs an amateur I might should not vote. With all the fuss over the feathers it's like giving the last two candy bar wrappers left in the jar. Useless.
ReplyDeleteOf much more worth was her help in getting the oaf away.
For sure I'm no help, sorry. But thank you for sharing.
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Your opinion is as valuable as anyone else's, dear Jim! And you always have an interesting angle on everything.
DeleteLove the title--and how your poem captures the joy we derive from small, meaningful things.💜
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI would never presume to suggest improvements in another's poetry .... I enjoy reading all of yours.
ReplyDeleteThat in itself is a helpful comment, Helen. I'm glad it's so.
DeleteI read it over several times and thought that it works well. There is a nice conversational tone throughout … right down to the actual bit of conversation. It hits the mark as s an image poem with 'light' signifying the relationship. It's perfect!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, thank you Wendy!
DeleteWhy would I try to pick apart something that works as it is?
ReplyDeleteI'm very glad you think so! And that in itself is a useful piece of information.
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